Farm Update

Been awhile since I've shared one of these, eh? I blame Facebook. Or credit Facebook. Or something. I usually share photos on our business Facebook page, Daisyblend Organic Creations. Lately I share the little newsy things there and save the lengthy, in-depth things for here. You can find me on Facebook by clicking on the badge on the sidebar. Be sure to visit and "like" the Daisyblend page, too.

Usually I have a lovely garden update for you this time of year. Well, let me tell you the garden is looking so very lush and green with all the rain we've had this summer...

Of course, most of that is weeds.

In February I started tomatoes, peppers and some flowers and herbs in the greenhouse. We had a long, cool spring so I paid dearly for those plants, running a heater to keep them warm. The tomatoes did okay, the peppers died and we have a few flowers to transplant. By April I knew this was not going to be a year I could focus on gardening, so I decided to just put in a few things and not worry about the rest. Before Denny even moved in he was over here helping us prepare garden beds, putting in the tomatoes and some peppers I bought from a friend. We also managed to slip in some Chinese Red Noodle beans, which are blooming so prettily right now...

Almost ready to pick...

The kids and I grew these last year and love them. Next year we will grow tons, skipping the green beans altogether. I slipped down to the garden this morning to nab these photos. I have one calendula plant blooming...

The peppers are doing well, and the wildly growing tomato plants are beginning to produce. I harvested the garlic we planted in the fall; another one of those crops I enjoy and hope to grow much of next year. The rest of the garden, well... Yeah. The perennial herb beds are overgrown and need attention and the rest... Eh, the ducks and the goose are enjoying it. It feels so strange to not have a big garden this year, but it was a good call. Denny enjoys gardening and this fall we will cover the entire fenced-in veggie garden with compost and mulch, nice and thick. Then we will start planning for spring. Our homeschool group received another large donation of seeds from Baker Creek, so we are up to our ears in choices.

Denny has written at his blog about bringing permaculture to Make-It-Do Farm. As he says there, I am not new to the idea of permaculture and have been implementing some of it through the years. During the winter, when I discovered that he was into permaculture and writing articles about it for a local newspaper I considered having him come over and brainstorm with me regarding my farm. One of my favorite things! (So, he came over and decided to stay, what can I say?) The problem here has been two-fold: 1) not enough time and money to install proper goat fencing, limiting all my gardening to a 50'x60' fenced area I knew I could keep the goats out of and 2) not having enough time and energy to do much more than I was already doing. There was always something around here... between raising children, chasing goats, housecleaning, cooking, routine maintenance on the house and property... Well, I needn't tell you all the things that eat up a mother's time, but I should stress that I was juggling everything myself, almost functioning as a single mother. Stress, yes, good choice of words. On top of having to manage all the typical responsibilities that a husband and wife generally share, I found myself often burdened with having to help my husband find work and to find ways to make ends meet when he wasn't working.

It's beyond awesome having Denny here, forming a partnership in all areas, having his opinions and expertise. One of the first things he got excited about regarding the farm was beautifying our dooryard. As he shared his vision with me I couldn't help but tear up just a wee bit. I had wanted so desperately to clean our place up and make it inviting and pretty with stones and pretty flowerbeds. I had been rather in despair regarding our property, actually. I was embarrassed to have people over, the property was such a dump. I would gather the kids and we would try to clean it up periodically, but it seemed an effort in futility. There would be piles of scrap metal and soda bottles and tools littering the place again within a couple weeks. I was the only one who cared, the only one putting forth any effort. I daren't try to clean it up AND make it pretty and inviting. What would be the point? Sigh. Anyway, it's nice to have a partner who cares now. And who is willing to help clean up the junk AND help beautify it AND help maintain it all.

Now I wish I had some "before" pictures, but, of course, as embarrassed as I was by it all I refused to allow it to be photographed! But here are some of the things Denny has worked out...

Building a bed with the stones that were migrating from alongside the driveway and taking over the dooryard, piling the beds high with old logs, leaves and straw, compost and soil, planting some perennials that he dug up from his place on the lake. I can't look at this without being overwhelmed... It means so much to me. The picture doesn't do it justice. So sweet and charming.

From the other side... an herb spiral with lavender, skullcap, garlic chives and oregano. For now. More to come.

Hostas, ferns and wild ginger gainst the front of the house...  (Sorry!  Bad pic. Rainy morning, low light.)

Denny with Little, Atira and Blue, setting stones and concrete pavers around the front stoop.

Sigh. I love it.

It's weird, though, reading about it all on his blog. I find myself with mixed feelings. I am so in love with him and all he is doing and I feel very much a part of it, not at all like he is taking over, nothing like that. I love the fact that because he is joining me in taking care of all the must-do's around the place we are both freed up to work on some fun and beautiful projects together. I love that we share a vision. We both love to dream this stuff up, we share an asthetic sense as well as sense of economy (making projects beautiful, natural and inexpensive), we both enjoy getting our hands dirty and involving the children. But there's something that bugged me after reading his post and it took me awhile to put my finger on it. And, well, I guess I am a little bitter about my past. These are things I would have liked to do all along... making my house and property pretty as well as functional. How I wish I'd been able to plant flowers everywhere and to lay stones out front! I feel like I was rarely able to make "beautiful" happen. I was swamped and alone, barely able to get the necessary stuff done. I had time to focus on doing one thing well and that was raising the children, which I think I have done fairly well so far, if I do say so myself. But it seemed like the place was falling down around my ears. I had to take a walk around this morning and remember everything I have accomplished over the almost seven years I've been here, what this place was like when we first moved here. If it weren't for me there wouldn't be a beautiful (lush, green, weedy) garden and yard, fruit trees, fencing, chicken coop, goat barn, chickens, goats, cats, or seven fantabulous, beaming children. There have been some improvements to the home because of my initiative; a better deck with a roof, decent siding, better windows and doors, etc. And my home is comfortable, if rather, uh... lived in, and everyone who walks through the door finds ample hospitality.

I get too easily focused on the things I haven't done or couldn't do, in every area of my life.


I am so grateful that Denny was willing to throw his lot in with us. There was so much to be done here. He saw our beautiful property and saw the potential, yes, but he was willing to help get the place up to par before jumping into the purely fun projects. We had plumbing issues; a bucket under the kitchen sink because it wouldn't drain, a toilet that wouldn't flush, a clogged bathroom sink. We had goat issues; the area Bobby and I had tried to fence was not holding them. We had money issues and heart issues, too. When I think of what the man has taken on... I can't help but believe him when he tells me that he loves me and the children and thinks we are the most amazing people he has ever met. What else could possibly possess him to burden himself with all of this? He will give a slightly exasperated sigh reading this. "You are not a burden," he will say for the 28th and a half time. And I understand. What we have, it is no burden. He is not some hero, swooping in to rescue us... he is another human who has his own needs and desires and we are joining forces. He benefits from the life and vitality here, the love and friendship. The partnership. The family. There is much joy and peace and satisfaction as we merge lives. I look forward to what every day brings.

Marriage and Divorce-- A Much Needed Update

Some of you follow me only on this blog, some on Facebook, some of you are local friends, some of you are long distance friends, some of you I have met, some I have not, some of you are strangers who have happened across this blog by chance, some are of you are curious friends I have directed to this post and a lot of you are more than one if the above.  Some of you are understanding types and some just come here for fuel to feed your fire of dislike for me.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to write for such a varied audience?
       There is so much I want to share with the world right now.  My heart is bursting.  So much has happened the last few months, I hardly know how to catch you up.  And I hardly have the time. (That’s often the case, I find. When I have much to write about, I have little time in which to do so.) 
        This is going to be harder than I thought.  You see, I want to tell you that Bobby and I are divorcing.  You and going to choke on that a little, maybe.  Some of you are going to want to know why.  I can tell you what I told some close friends early on, but I find myself still unwilling to speak directly against Bobby in public (unfortunately he does not feel the need for the same restraint).  No good comes of it.  So, I cannot fully explain to you how we got here.  The reasons are as numerous and varied as those we have for parting ways with religion several months ago.  I can simply tell you that one day in early April I got up the guts to give up on our marriage like he had years ago.  I was so tired of holding everything together by myself.  I had thought for some time that maybe it would be better to cut loose. I was the one holding it all together anyway; our relationship, the household, the finances, the care of the children...  I just couldn't do it anymore.  So stressed, so lonely.  There is no place more lonely than a bad marriage.
         Is that clear enough?  I want to be honest without bad-mouthing Bobby.

The following is part of a letter I wrote to some friends in early May:

Those who have spent much time getting to know my family are generally not very surprised and some very close to me wonder why I waited this long. And there are and will be others, pointing fingers, thinking and even voicing, "See? They don't believe in God any more and now look at them." Oh well. It is what it is. We are no more a broken family now than we have been for 14 years, but now we have a chance to heal. Yes, I have tasted new freedoms from Christ and yes, a whole new world opened up before me and sweet hope for a happy life and yes, it made me more painfully aware of the abuse and neglect going on under my roof and no, I couldn't imagine another year of it, let alone a lifetime. Not for me, not for the kids. This will be a bumpy road and we will always carry scars, but there is sunshine on the other side. I can see it, smell it, taste it. Our past will be the sound of our feet upon the ground as we carry on.

If I had to sum up "why" this is happening I guess I would point to the Serenity Prayer; "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." It is not a prayer for me, more of a meditation. The thing is, I believe I have gained wisdom about the difference between the things I can change and the things that I can't and every day the courage required to make the necessary changes has grown. I am facing giants. I am terrified, but I am doing it.

       So, here we are a month after sharing that… and I have more news.  Again, I will resort to the borrowing of something I wrote to a friend in early May: 

I would like to share one other bit of news with you, about my hope for the future.  For me, for my kids.  It's a delicate situation.  The timing here is just crazy...  getting free of religion and exploring the world that opened up to me, beginning to consider more frequently and more thoroughly the possibility of leaving Bobby (hard to say me leaving him--he left a long time ago, he just lives here still)...  every week, every day seeing things more clearly... becoming more horrified at living the rest of my life this way, of how the kids would turn out under this kind of stressful relationship (or lack thereof) and Bobby's unrealistic view of the world...  Ah, there was so much going on.  And my new geek friends were becoming very dear to me.  They never pushed, never suggested I leave Bobby, they just listened...  and I grew stronger, more courageous.

      And then there was Denny Henke.  My favorite geek.

      I don't know just when it happened... our friendship grew so gradually.  Looking back I see the signs, but I don't know where I could have drawn the line, where I could have cut it off, or IF I could have.  Never once did he indicate any interest in me beyond what he was offering to everyone else; friendship.  You just have to know him, I guess, but he's that kind of person.  Open.  Engaging.  Connected to the world and the animals and the people around him.  Our geek talks turned into life talks and he had a way of making everything seem okay.  He "got" it.  He "got" me.  He made being human, being a less-than-perfect individual, seem... well... acceptable.  Natural.  It almost became a challenge of mine to throw things at him to see what he would do with them.  He took everything in stride; carefully observing and understanding and communicating.  Always.

      I had met my match in perception, compassion, thoughtfulness, communicability, humor and more.  There really was no stopping this friendship.  We fascinated and inspired one another.  I was so grateful just to call such a person my friend.

      Sometime mid-April things came to a head here at home.  Bobby hadn't been working for two or three weeks, I was trying to juggle everything by myself, as usual... and I realized that I had been carrying our marriage itself, by myself, for too long.  We weren't partners; I was a single mom with 8 kids; 7 adorable ones and a rebellious teenager.  And that day I wondered, what would happen if I stopped caring about the marriage, too?  And that was that.  I let it go. Gone. I was no longer hurt and felt he could do little to hurt me ever again.  I communicated this to him and he soon moved out.

       I am not one to do things half-heartedly.  You may have noticed that I give my all in everything.  Full throttle.  So, when I decided to give up on trying to love a man who could not or would not love me (just how deep the neglect and rejection, I have managed to hide from most people) it freed my heart to love elsewhere.  And love elsewhere I do now, very deeply.  And it is reciprocated, very deeply.  It feels somewhat insane, developing the most amazing, the most satisfying relationship I have ever known while under the stress and pressure of dissolving a 13.5 year marriage.  I suspect it's not altogether uncommon, though.  I have examined it closely for signs that it is only a temporary thing, something to get me through until I get on my feet...          

And I don't believe it is.

Okay, so… those of you who have been reading this blog for any length of time aren’t remotely surprised by any of this, I’m sure.  You’ve seen the lack of Bobby’s involvement as well as my fascination with Denny.  <shrug>  It is what it is.  Maybe you think that plunging right from one relationship into another just smacks of… well, just smacks.  But I ask you to consider that although I have been married, I have not had a relationship with Bobby for a long time, try as I might.   Maybe I should be grieving through this divorce?  No… I had enough pain and sorrow during the marriage.  I am ready to be happy.

         I want to share more about Denny with you, but I think I will save that for another post… or posts.  You will find he is very involved in life on Make-It-Do Farm and so will show up here often.  Let me just say for now that I am the happiest woman in the world.  I used to imagine what true love must be like.  I have memories of my thoughts on love as a young teen, what I wanted, what I thought it should look like, and yet convinced myself that I’d picked up those ideas in fairy tales and that real life doesn’t happen that way.  During my marriage I obviously had to suppress any thoughts of or inclination toward romantic love just to cope, but… I am pleased to tell you that dreams do come true.  Denny and I connect so completely…   Sigh.  Yes.  I think I will have to save it all for another time.  But do this, for now, if you find yourself wanting to know more:  visit daisyblend.com.  This is the webpage Denny and I set up for our soap and our sewing creations.  Denny got a head start and wrote a lot of the text for me, thinking I would replace it later, but he so perfectly captured everything about life here and our motivation for doing what we do, our enjoyment of it all…   The things he wrote, beautiful in their own right, also serve as evidence of how he “gets it.”  Read it and try to tell me we are not a perfect match.  (The only text I have written for that site so far is the blurb about sewing and a bit about the soap.)

      Stay tuned… there are wonderful goings on here at Make-It-Do Farm.